here is a rough draft from the farm.
is there too much talking?
the singing in the background represents the singing that the farm workers do as they weed the field of the beans. however,
i do not know if it fits into the haiku....if it's too abstract.
i am still working on the ending as well. i could let the singing finish the piece, i could add some
more soil/weeding sounds, or i could add in the giggle of the Annie, the woman who is talking...just because it's a nice laugh.
suggestions?
Posts
Hi Christine,
ReplyDeleteGreat start on this one-- each time I listen it really transports me into the field ....
I'd love to hear a few more seconds of digging/weeding/cultivating sounds at the beginning before she says where we are.
Likewise we'll need a few more seconds of sound at the end that we can fade out under the music outro. (In other words, you'll be preparing a file that's more like 24 seconds that includes some "trail.")
I like the singing in the background, and I think your hunch about ending the piece with it is definitely worth a try.
I'm not sure you need the last line about the plants being happy since she's already said they appreciate when the soil is cultivated. Also, it's not really a sound image...as much as the weeding/singing.
I'm curious to hear her giggle. Why not try one version with it? (That's the kind of thing that can either be delightful or get a bit old.)
Anyone else have thoughts?
Look forward to the next draft--you're close.
Stephanie
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stephanie about trying out the giggle in that it really could go one way or the other. I would like a bit more space in the piece and also think that the "plants are happy" part is a little repetitive. I really enjoy the singing because it makes me think of how you are supposed to talk to plants to make them healthier. That might just be me but regardless I'm glad you included it. It's a great first draft and I'm excited to see where you go with it. Hope my comments have been helpful. Let me know if you have any other specific questions. I will have something posted very soon for you to return the favor with.
Hannah
Hi Christine,
ReplyDeleteI really like the feel of this. I, too, like the singing in the background~ I think it's responsible for setting a really interesting mood: interior and well...ancient? (ie. we've always sung in the fields...)
I think your instinct about too much talking is right and I too think you could lose the last bite. I like Steph's comment about adding some sounds at the beginning too.
kath