Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Ice cream shop haiku
I don't really know if this is an effective haiku in terms of bringing you to a place really quickly and leaving you with an impression. There is a lot going on and I'm just a little unsure about the piece as a whole. It's too long right now so I will have to edit it down. Any ideas about what's not working or what I should cut out? I have more rough drafts coming up soon as well. Let me know what you think.
Hannah
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Hannah,
ReplyDeleteGood start...I think what you're coming up against in this draft is that you haven't arrived at a focus. The piece could go in any number of directions. You might ask yourself: is it about what goes through the head of a bored ice cream shop employee? Is it about a kind of found poetry of ice cream names? Is it about how people identify with ice cream flavors? Is it about the patter between scooper and patrons? Is it about the life cycle of an ice cream cone from the perspective of a young child? Is it about the ebb and flow of sound in an ice cream shop? So for and so on...
Ask yourself at this point what is most interesting to you -- sonically and narratively -- about this place...and then go back in and really go after those elements to flesh it out.
You have some nice punctuation sounds (cash register, etc) but the ice cream names and patter with customers seem low in the mix and perhaps recorded too far away to be clear.)
Feel free to post more questions on this....and thanks for your comments for Christine. Keep it all coming---
Stephanie
i agree with stephanie about finding the goal of this particular piece. what do you want to say about summer ice cream shops in michigan? i guess i wouldn't necessarily want to hear a bored cone shop worker, because then i put myself in their situation, which is not what i want to be doing. haha. does that make sense? the cone crunch is very nice, and the naming of the flavors is a good direction too.
ReplyDeletei'm excited to hear what's next.